Saturday, 23 August 2014

It hurts, but it's ok.

Tuesday, 29 Jul 2014 at 6pm.

Had a long walk home this evening and it had been awhile since I last did that. That must have accounted to my recent increase in weight. Haha...

Today's walk is not only about the need to log that 10,000 steps per day, but also to expel my anger and reflect on the event that happened just hours ago.

Everybody have their weaknesses and so do I. For this particular weakness or rather fear, I had been trying to look for opportunities to fight it. I had been taking baby steps, but constantly so that I hope to conquer it sooner rather than later. It's one of my hindrances towards my dream.

My worst fear, that weakness won again this afternoon. I am fortunate to have people who are understanding and giving me the much needed support and advice. All, except one who took the opportunity to capitalise on my weakness. I am not sure what the intention was. Maybe I might have triggered that reaction from my earliest unacceptable behaviour to the person. Maybe it's resulted from my speech previously spoken. Maybe I might have hurt that person to be treated in this manner. 

All this were after thoughts during my long walk home. At that moment, I really felt like giving that person a punch or at least fight back with more hurtful words. But I did not. I did not because I don't think my action is going to be of help during that situation. I did not because if I were to fight back either in words or action, how much difference will I be as compare against that person. Moreover, there might be a reason for the behaviour which I have yet to find out. In any case, it just dented my pride with no other damages. Why take revenge when it was in fact giving me a good learning opportunity to toughen up myself.

I was very surprised, disappointed and hurt by the action of that person than the words used, or my inability to overcome my weakness again.

Well, I will practice harder and keep trying for that dream of mine. Life is a journey when we came with nothing and left with nothing. It's the experience in life that we should treasure. Everything comes for a reason. Rather than rejecting it, why not embraced it for the lesson that it brought along to teach us.

I am sorry for that thought of wanting to fight back on those hurtful words. 

I will move on with this episode. Please remind me, uncle life. Holding on to that revengeful thought only waste the previous memory for the better things in life.

P.S. – It obviously hurt me more than I expected. I am still wide awake at 3am that day! Haha…

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Shouldering the responsibility of parents.

The train along Circle Line reached Caldecott, its door opened and a young Chinese couple walked into the cabin. The lady was seen holding very tightly to the arm of the trendy, well dressed gentleman. Soothing his hand, the lady doesn't talk along the journey, neither did the gentleman.

At Bishan Station, a motorized wheelchair's siren started buzzing when it reversed itself into the cabin. Everybody in the cabin was shocked, not by the wheelchair's buzzing, but the high pitch and continuous screaming from the gentleman. The lady was visibly troubled by the behaviour of the gentleman. She keeps soothing his hands, telling him:

"Mei mei (sister) is here with you, it's ok kor (brother). It's just the sound from the wheelchair."

It is then that I realised the gentleman may either be suffering from autism or some form of mental health illness. He is blessed to have a responsible and caring younger sister that take good care of him. He is so well taken care of and well dressed that if not for his screaming, nobody will notice he has a disability or illness.

At the same time, I feel for the young lady. For her entire life, she will have to make sacrifices for her elder brother. She will have very little time for herself. She may not get a life partner as not all spouse and in-laws are so accommodative towards her brother's behaviours. And she will continue to be starred at by the public whenever she is out with her brother.

Hope she is strong and have good support.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Daddy, I am the Quiet Captain!

Thursday, 24 Jul 2014.

On my way home, my phone rang and the first thing I heard when I pick it up was:

"Daddy, I am the Quiet Captain!"
Thereafter, she goes on and on about when it happened, her roles as Quiet Captain and the other roles teacher had assigned to her other classmates. I can feel her excitement and I also felt bad for she could only call me, and not share her happiness in person with me. How many more moments I am going to miss with the little fellow? I wonder...

She ended our conversation by saying:
"Daddy, I need to wear the badge every day, I show it to you tomorrow morning when you send me up my school bus!"
That's my girl.

P.S. - By the way, she wasn't that quiet at home. Hmmm.... should I also give her a badge at home? Nah, I will miss her sweet voice if I do so. Haha...

Friday, 1 August 2014

Learning to be a father.

Sunday, 15 June 2014.

It's father day today, and a day of great importance in today’s standard.

I happened to know it through the numerous postings on Facebook, advertisement seen everywhere and most important of all, the preview and greeting from my lovely daughter.

"Daddy, later you cannot see what I am doing, OK? It's a card for an important day. Hee hee... "

As the year’s passes, things changed and so does the way we celebrate father's day and the role of father.

Till I am in my 30s, I have never heard of Father's day, the special celebrative day in the world. Whenever I saw those posts on father's day and how they had celebrated father's day, I am lost with my words. I had never celebrated father's day with my father, and the phrase "Happy Father's Day!" is totally alien to me. However, I am not guilty and I know neither is my father sad about it.

My father is proud for being the pillar of the family, for being able to bring in the money to support the family. His greatest achievement is his ability to support his children to secure a diploma each, despite the fact that he did not have any formal education and he was fighting an illness to live at that time.  He is a sailor and a man with few words, so few that we can count the number of words he says within a year. Well, that's partly resulted from his sailing schedule where he only came home once every 2 years. He did not attend any of my birthday celebrations, which only happens 3 times before I am married (once when I turn 21 and twice planned by my then ex-girlfriend aka. wife). Neither did he attend any of my school graduation ceremonies. He only went to school once with me to apply for school fee subsidy and loan of school text books, when he lost his income due to the illness he had been fighting. During that day, it's the first time I saw him smiling. My teacher was full of good comments about my studies and character. I am happy that day too because I made him proud despite the tough life we had.

Fast forward 40 years later, I am now a father. I am a father that has to face a totally different set of challenges. I played Barbie with my daughter, brought her for her enrichment, dance, art and swimming classes, I changed her diapers, bathed her, combined her hair, talk nonsense to her, and even carry my wife's bag so that she can hold my daughter or free her hands to choose my daughter's clothes during shopping. All of which I had never see my father doing. Without a role model, I am kind of having my on-the-job (OJT) training as I grew to become what it's expected of a new age father.

It's not about I am or my father are a better father. It's how the roles of father had changed with the progress of mankind and under the expectation of the society. It's kind of difficult for men to cope with those changes. I can't look out for the bus while talking to 小tz. I can't talk to her on the phone while I am attending to my work. I can't watch the television programme, do my stuff and talk to her at the same time. In short, I am taught and trained to mono-task. Multitasking like what mothers are always doing is just too overwhelming for me, you know?

The other day, while waiting for my bus, I saw a mother with 2 children seated with her back facing the traffic. She was helping her daughter with her ponytail when her son shouted to her that their bus has arrived. She wasn't panicky, finished the ponytail for her daughter then walked with her 2 children to board the bus. Perfect timing and I was like "How she did that!”. Women, they say.

Are you coping well being a father?

I am struggling with my new role. Happily struggling...

Unlike being at work with a team of colleagues that compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses to complete our daily work, I am alone as a father. I don’t have anybody to share or take some responsibility away from me as a father, and I can’t. Nobody can replace me as the father of my daughter. I guess the only then is to be a good student and continue to learn to be a good father.


We were watching World Cup where the battle was between Iran and Nigeria on Tuesday afternoon, 17 Jun 2014 at SAFRA. tz wrote this on my phone and ask me to post it:

We went to watch football at SAFRA, it was so interesting and I like it so much. ThE cRaZy DaDdY’s wife also likes to watch football. I thought ThE cRaZy DaDdY does not like to watch football, but he was watching the football too! The screen is so BIG!!! ~The End~

From tz and ThE cRaZy DaDdY.

Note: She took my phone, if I don’t watch football, what should I do?! Anyway, I really don’t like watching football, except to see matches by Brazil and South Korean. Both teams transformed football into an art when I seen them during the last World Cup. We just happened to be there and though why not let her be part of the craze now in Singapore. Haha…